September 10, 2008

All Mixed Up

Last night I put the boys to bed and decided to get some early rest myself. I've been having contractions on and off since yesterday morning, but nothing major. I laid down in bed and had a sudden moment of panic, wanting to go grab Gray from his little firetruck bed and bring him in with me. I am really trying to get him to stay in his own bed as much as possible, especially with the new baby coming so soon, but I think it hit me that he really isn't going to be the baby now. I know oh too well that first moment of seeing my other children after a new baby is born. They suddenly look like giant children all trunky and heavy and unusual and old.

And I don't think I am ready to look at Gray that way just yet.

So when he called for me soon after I fell asleep, I leaped out of bed and brought him to me. We embraced and fell asleep tight that way. I couldn't bury my face in his hair deep enough, I couldn't stop sneaking in a kiss or two as he drifted off to sleep. And I couldn't stop feeling so very thankful for these last few days, hours, before a new baby soon becomes the smallest member of the family.

And Gray will become a big brother. He will look big all over. As long as he always knows how big my love is for him, it will all be ok.

55 comments:

  1. So poignant. You brought back sweet memories.

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  2. Moments like this make it hard for me to even THINK about having another. *sniffles*

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  3. Now you are definitely ready, because that panic feeling always happened right at the last second for me. When your body needs to get one more purge of apprehension out of your mind.

    The never ending realization that our babies WILL grow up. Sigh.

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  4. i cant believe how much the princess aged the moment the prince was born. i was so unprepared for it. (sorry about my typing, i am nursing/blogging :)

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  5. How sweet that you had that time with Gray, and now that you had your panic moment, hopefully your body is ready to go.
    My panic moment actually happened about five minutes before my water broke.:)

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  6. Okay.. thanks for making me cry! :-) I can't even my little one being a big brother which he will be in the Spring. "sniff"

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  7. *can't even imagine* is what I meant.. :-)

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  8. I recall being pregnant with my last, who's now 20 months, and my now 4 year old was only 2. My husband made me cry (unintentionally) by hugging our son and saying "You can't be a big brother, you're not a big anything," in his cute I'm-talking-to-my-wee-ones voice that he has. Oh boy did I ever cry. And of course, she was born, he came to see her and looked huge all of a sudden. I'm not looking forward to looking at my 20 month old that way with this one in the next week or two :(

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  9. I still have those feelings for my littlest boy, and my baby is six months old! Something about him being my baby boy (new one is a girl) makes me want to freeze him at this age forever.

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  10. "As long as he always knows how big my love is for him, it will all be ok."

    Indeed.

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  11. Okay, but you have to wait a few more days to make him a big brother so I can win, okay?

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  12. So true! I remember when I had #3 -we were in the hospital for a while after he was born & my MIL brought in my other two. My middle son was not quite 3 then. I had been lugging him around like he was a feather. After holding my newborn for so long my 3 year seemed to BIG & HEAVY! It wasn't like he had gained 20 pounds in two days. ::sigh:: Sweet memories. (Said "baby" is now 4-1/2 & the "almost 3 year old) is now 7-1/2 - where does the time go??)

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  13. Oh this post made me so weepy. I remember looking at each of my boys after bringing home a new baby and thinking how giant they looked. So sad how they grow up overnight. I'm so glad you are able to enjoy this time. :)

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  14. This made me tear up. :-)

    Such sweetness!

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  15. Oh my. I didn't know about this moment until I brought Kennedy home. I couldn't stop staring at my Patrick, wondering who he even was anymore. He looked SO big and SO different, just a few short hours later. And then a few weeks later when I was healed enough to carry him--he was enormous and SO heavy! I'd been packing him around on my hip and even in a sling occasionally, even nine months pregnant and suddenly I couldn't even lift the kid. What a strange phenomenon.

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  16. You are soooo meant to be a mom, it's not even funny. You have such a unique and special way of looking at things Steph. I love you!

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  17. I am seriously holding back the tears right now. They do look so very old. I am so glad you got that moment with Gray. So precious.

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  18. My last baby is 2 years old she has had a cold today she was snuggled up in my lap and I just closed my eyes and hugged her.I have one that just started preschool and it just makes you realize that they are becoming more independant.Hugs Darcy

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  19. I can picture you and Gray so well. Even though I only have one child, there are nights when I suddenly miss her in this indescribable way, and I just HAVE to curl up next to her as closely as I possibly can. It's such a paradox, since most nights I'm just hoping she'll sleep for at least 3 hours at a time! It's good to know I'm not the only one!

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  20. I can totally relate-it was the strangest tornado of feelings to see little dude after jr was born...but seeing them together and how sweet little dude is and how much he adores "baby!!" fills me with more joy than I ever possible only 10 weeks ago.

    By the way I LOVE your "vlog!" I thought the angle was good and your belly is so pretty!I am going to get started on mine here in a bit now that I have a voice again...you will have to let me know what you think!

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  21. It's funny. I had such emotional feelings about seeing Benjamin a big brother at 13 months. I remember with William and Alex (12 months apart) I held on to every last second with William before Alex came... and then overnight, William was a "big boy." Benjamin has taken to big boyhood beautifully... but ahh, those last precious moments, soak them in from head to toe.
    - Audrey

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  22. There will be many more of those snuggly moments. He will surely remember them as I know you will too. Thanks for sharing that with us. :)

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  23. It is amazing how much bigger and older they seem when the new baby arrives. I'm still trying to adjust, 9 months later...

    Snuggle him tight and breathe him in! Remember though, he'll always be your baby BOY!!!

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  24. I felt just like this when my second and third babies were born. My first was almost 18 months old and I remember just rocking her and rocking her thinking she is still a baby! My second was 21 months when the baby arrived and I did the same with him.
    And, yes, they do look so big all of the sudden. But, the blessing of that is the baby stays "little" for a very long time.

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  25. Oh yes, I remember it all from when Aidan became a big brother. My panic caught me so off guard, I actually thought briefly that it was MEAN to have another baby for him.

    I never expected to see him as so much bigger so suddenly.
    Like you said, though, it was all just fine once I saw him instantly fall in love with his baby brother.

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  26. Those transitions are tough to swallow. I think it just means you are ready to go.

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  27. Awh! How special. He will always be your baby boy. I can remember when your brother was a new baby. I would rock with you on one side and him on the other.

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  28. So sweet! Gray most certainly knows how big your love is for him!

    So I'm not the only one, huh?

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  29. Wow you summed up feelings I didn't even know I had. I'm due in Dec with my 2nd baby and find myself holding on to my first for dear life all the time.

    Thank you.

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  30. This post brings back so many memories for me. I remember when Henry was born and my boys came to meet him - Jake walked into the room and I remember thinking, "Whoooah, when did he get so big?" and was a teensy bit sad that he wasn't my baby anymore. I tell him that he'll always be MY baby and he always tells me that he's not a baby anymore, he's a big boy.

    I bet Gray is excited to meet his sister :)

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  31. I have been thinking about you today Steph today while I was working here at home, so I just had to come check in. Big (((HUGS))) first off. I know I had that moment as well with Madisyn. I still co-sleep with both of them and have to hold their hands as I am drifting off to sleep. So sweet as you said.

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  32. I remember each time that same thought hit me- but it was always after delivery - they looked so big and different. Like someone had swapped my toddlers for some other look-a-like toddler.

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  33. Oh, sweetie. We all understand. Sniff...

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  34. Such a great post. I remember thinking how much bigger Liv looked when Gabe was born and she was almost 5. Gabe will be 20 months when this one comes and Im not sure Im ready for that feeling.

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  35. I totally understand. Each time I brought home a new baby, I still had a toddler in diapers. It was such a huge difference changing those itty bitty baby bottoms and those big toddler tooshies. The older child immediately seemed so grown up. Even now our youngest who is almost 5 seems to be so much younger than I remember the other two being at 5. Enjoy those night time snuggles!

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  36. Oh my. So true. The mourning of the time with the last baby is so heavy. It hit me so hard with my second. I just wanted to eat up every moment too. You're such a loving mom. You're inspiring.

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  37. thank you for writing about this phenomenon. it's very real, and very new to me. your post made me weepy and emotional. okay... extra weepy and emotional. at three weeks postpartum, i think
    "emotional" is my baseline state. :)

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  38. I have been feeling that same way as I look at my little peanut and realize she is not going to be the littlest anymore. So quickly it has gone, although I am happy to welcome a new little girl, I will just miss the peanut as the littlest girl.

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  39. I think every time I comment, I say ..you're so cute..but really you are.
    And I hope that you are able to attend Blogher next year, because I HAVE to meet you.
    Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy. I hate it when those contractions come, and then it ends up not being time yet. Soon, soon, soon. :-)

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  40. I so know that moment too! They looked like babies yesterday and like 5 year olds the very next as you hold the tiny baby in your arms. IT is weird! It's coming mama...get ready!

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  41. Oh I remember going through that when I had my second baby. Our first child was our world for almost 4 years before #2 came along. I can't wait to try for #3. :) Sending a little prayer your way Stephanie. ;)

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  42. You totally made me cry! What a sweet mama you are :)

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  43. Will I have that panic moment?

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  44. Beautifully expressed...and made me think that in just a year, my baby will be sleeping in his own firetruck bed (My mom just told me she purchased one).

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  45. Hi, Stephanie- I am a daily reader, but never comment... I simply soak in your words and smile.
    But I so wanted to say how much I appreciate what you wrote here- it has felt wrong over the years to feel the way I do when a new baby comes home and I look at my other "babies"... you described it so perfectly, so beautifully.
    I am aching because my third born was a dreamed of, hoped for daughter, and now my third son is due in seven weeks... I look at her and grab her close for tight hugs so often, because I so don't want anything to change...
    So thanks. And I'm praying for you- can't wait till you can hold your precious daughter!

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  46. Stephanie, you write so beautifully about the simple moments that make mothering a miracle. Thank you for sharing your gift.

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  47. I think there was a moment of panic for me just before I gave birth to my 3rd, a combination of what you described and the knowledge it would be the last time I'd feel that belly and hold that life inside of me. *sigh*

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  48. Big love is the key! Beautiful post. Now take care of yourself . . .

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  49. your description of how your older "baby" looks is so accurate. i remember that moment. i don't think i will ever forget it. he just looked so BIG. it's just good to know that ALL of them will always be your babies. :)

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  50. I do love to snuggle and so does our daughter I think we will need a bigger bed when the new baby comes ha ha ha

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  51. You just know how to say it. I've felt this same way twice and I couldn't have expressed it so well. But I totally know.
    Jen

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  52. Very sweet! You are such a talented writer!

    I lose the bet for when you'd deliver - my guess was 3 this morning!

    Praying for you,
    Amber

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