July 30, 2008

Mom

Today is my Mom's birthday and I wanted to share this post again, originally featured as a letter to her on Mother's Day. You can send a birthday wish to her over at her blog Mimi's Toes. I know she'd love that. As would I.

Stephanie is having a girl. I will have a daughter.

I think I'm still in shock, to be honest. I never thought of myself as a Mom to a girl. It makes me think about the daughter I wasn't to my own Mom. Maybe I'm making up for it now, I don't know, because I try to show my appreciation and make up for all the angsty-ness my Mom had to go through with me for much too long.

Mom,

There are so many times I wanted to say thank you but my teenage pride got in the way. I remember so clearly the late nights of you driving me to play practice, long trips of me making you suffer through my moody Sarah McLachlan, REM, and Nirvana mix tapes. The long drives of me sitting in silence, brooding. Not knowing what was happening in my life and I only wonder what you must have felt, not knowing what was happening with this daughter of yours. This daughter that I know you wanted to dress in nice outfits and I only wanted to wear ratty thrift shop clothes. This little girl that scowled and rolled eyes until you were probably sure they'd fall out of her head.

I felt every bit of love you had for me. But I'm afraid you could never feel mine. It was there. Beneath the makeup and the closed bedroom door and the candles burning in my room. I really did want to hug you. To crawl in bed with you. And to wish away my uncertainties and life that was just so hard at thirteen, fifteen, any-teen. If only I had known then what I know now.

If only you had known then what I'm saying now.

I am so glad we are where we are. I am so relieved to be on this side of life. This side of the red hair dye and this side of my self image.

Happy Birthday, Mom. I'm going to have a daughter!

P.S. Even though I dressed like a bum, you have to admit I always had great shoes...

36 comments:

  1. How sweet!! I still giggle at your love for shoes!!

    Happy birthday to your mom!

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  2. Steph you made me cry this morning!

    What a beautiful post and a so very sweet way to wish happy birthday to your Mom!!!!

    Thanks

    Renee

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  3. Thank you, my dear daughter! I felt like I was unwrapping a gift this morning as I am reading this. I don't think you were the only daughter that went thru this. And yes, you always had stylish shoes. I love you for the person you have become in spite of your "Nine Inch Nails" concert times. I am looking forward to watching you grow and love your own daughter. You have made this a very special Birthday for me. I love you more than you will ever know! Mom XX00
    Thanks again for the awesome blog make-over.....I am stylin!
    P.S. I still catch myself watching New Kids on the Block video from way back.

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  4. Love this post...always makes me teary-eyed and I'm not pregnant! BTW, I always get a chuckle out of the last sentence. Boy! Did I dress like a ho-bo sometimes!?! It was awful!

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  5. What a beautiful letter, and happy birthday to your mom!

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  6. And you will "get" the mother-daughter relationship and what it means to your Mom a little bit more every single day, once you have your own daughter - how your hopes and dreams for her and your desires for her happiness, confidence and independence and the safety of her heart will make you even more of a mother lion than you already are. It often aches, but it is also always very redeeming. And you will want to call and thank and apologize to your mother and tell her how much you appreciate and love her a million times more than you do now. I'm so happy for you - I know baby I is going to be such a miracle for your sweet soul. SUCH A MIRACLE, Steph. You can't even imagine! (and for your own sweet mother, too.)

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  7. Mother/daughter relationships are wonderful and tense and beautiful and ugly. The fact that you came out of the teen years and still love your mom and admire her proves that she did a good job and that you will too! Happy birthday to your Mom!

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  8. What a beautiful post! I think deep down moms always know how their daughters really feel. :-) I hope your mom has a happy birthday!

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  9. You make me want to go hug my mom & tell her sorry, (more for my sisters who I watched put her through all that & I didn't have the nerve to do it.) You'll be a great mom to a girl, just for reflecting back to your own feelings. I just love reading your posts.

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  10. Happy Birthday, Rhonda! Sweet post, Steph!

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  11. What a beautiful letter! It speaks for mother/daughter relationships everywhere.
    I think that, as daughters, we make the teen years up when we get older. I know that I made up for all the bratty, eye-rolling teen years in one moment when my mom was able to be in the delivery room and hold her new grandson five minutes after he was born. I'm pretty sure I could go through another bratty phase, and she'd be just fine with it, after that.;)

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  12. Oh my Steph... What a super sweet post and you can tell so much this is from your heart. You are such an awesome daughter and I just love the relationship you have with your mom today! Too funny about the stylish shoes ;).

    Your mom's birthday is on my grandma's birthday today. :). So glad you all had a good time this weekend at the concert and I just love her blog theme.

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  13. Oh, I should send this to my mother! Happy birthday to your mom!

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  14. Can't get enough of that letter. Happy bday to Mom, beautiful photo of the two of you, and congrats again on being the Mommy of your own little girl!

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  15. That's really beautiful, Steph. I'm off to your Mom's site to wish the grand dame herself a wonderful day.

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  16. That's a sweet post to your mom on her birthday.
    Amy

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  17. Nothing like having a daughter to make you think about your role as daughter--so sweet! I'm sure your mom was blessed so much by this post--I know I was!

    Blessings!

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  18. How wonderful!

    Happy Birthday mimi's toes!!

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  19. That is beautiful! I nearly cried when I read that letter. I hope you mom had a great birthday!

    Cascia @ Healthy Moms

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  20. I am so excited i found your blog. I found you on the Bloggy Giveaways and had to check out the rest of your blog. I have only read a few of your posts, but so far you have put a smile on my face... Oh and I LOVE the one with you and Grover - how fun for little Ivy... Hope you have a wonderful week!

    idahoheters.blogspot.com

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  21. It's so nice to know I wasn't the only angsty teenager who now as a mom regrets treating her mom badly. Mom's do rock. They are particularly good at forgiving our rolling eyes and moody silences.

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  22. Beautiful post,Steph!

    It's nice to know my daughter isn't the only teenage daughter, who rolls her eyes and wants to dye her hair red, but always has stylish shoes.

    Hope your mother has a wonderful birthday!

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  23. A very fitting tribute to your mom! Thank you for the visit.

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  24. I remember this one. I loved it then and I love it now.
    Happy birthday to your mum!

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  25. I know your mom appreciates you. I like her post about watching New Kids on the Block, so cute.

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  26. oh I LOVE this letter!!! Happy Birthday to your precious mom! (I went to her site yesterday. I didn't know your mom blogged! HOW COOL is that!)

    It terrifies me though to imagine my sweet little Olivia turning into an angsty teenager. Oh the horror! (But hopefully the years of training as a youth worker will give me the patience to make it through to "the other side.")

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  27. I am so in love with your writing and the way you share your thoughts...you have this amazing way with words. I'm so glad I found your blog! Your letter to your mom made me cry...I'm seriously going to call my mom right now! Thanks for sharing!

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  28. I have never in my life had so many Birthday wishes sent to me...I'm gonna count tonight and report on it tomorrow...Love them ALL...and am meeting some fantastic blogger friends!

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  29. So sweet. I was like that with my mom. I'm hoping it isn't a generational thing as I've got two daughters.

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  30. Awww, girls having girls having girls. I love it!

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  31. What a beautiful heartfelt post.

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  32. Awww..Beautiful post...and I totally agree with all you wrote. I have actually been thinking about the same stuff recently. My mom has Multiple Sclerosis. She is going on 20 years with it. But the past few years it has gotten really bad, especially with how it affects her memory. She can't remember a whole lot. The person she is now isn't the person she was 15 years ago, when I was 14 and 15 years of age and hating her.
    I wish I had cherished those years with my mom. I wish I had gotten to know her, instead of deciding that I didn't want to talk to her.

    And now that I have my own kids, I wish that I had paid more attention to the things my mom did, to the stories she shared of adventures with me and my brother when we were younger.

    And, btw, the eye rolling and the angst you had.....you don't have to wait for the teen years to re-live it with your daughter. My four year old is already making the same faces I made toward my mom as a teen. She even rolls her eyes at me and slams her bedroom door. LOL (Not to scare you) She is a complete mini-me...and it scares me, because I know what is to come....not that I was a bad kid, because I wasn't. I did however perfect the art of talking back. :o)

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  33. Wow. I'm not sure I would ever have the humility to write such a letter to my mom, and I so admire you for it. It's the kind of letter that every mom should read if she's navigating troubled teen waters with her daughter ... so she can have faith and BE ENCOURAGED.

    Beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

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  34. Wow. I'm 35 and after reading that post, it all came back in a rush what it felt like to be a teenage girl. That feeling of pushing my mom away while at the same time wanting her love and approval. I am so glad too, that I'm on this side of life.

    Nothing comes close to a mom's love!

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