June 10, 2008

A Side Of Shoe

Last night on my way to the grocery store alone I was driving along a stretch of highway that seemed to reach far into the night sky with purple clouds. The music in my car was good and I just had that desire to keep on driving and driving, never looking back. Nothing in particular had me upset or exhausted necessarily from the life I would be leaving behind. It was just an impulse, an urge much like the reason I can never sit by the emergency exit on an airplane. Just not so sure I wouldn't open that door, you know, just to see.

I would of course never do it. But there is a part of me that runs away with my imagination to far off places. Where I'm free and have no one expecting anything from me. And the bigger part of me that loves my family so much it sometimes hurts and how could I ever think about driving and driving, never looking back?

I see a shoe on the side of the road and wonder just how someone managed to lose one shoe. Where is the other? Maybe the result of a quick get away, or just thrown from a moving vehicle. I wonder how someone could just be walking along and their shoe- laces and all- just comes off and they keep on going. It didn't belong, but it so belonged. They must not have looked back.

I do not feel guilty for my thoughts last night. I just drive and get my groceries and head home, opposite the purple sky, away from the road that was calling me.

35 comments:

  1. I think as moms we all have that feeling, wanting more. I have that feeling too it just encourages me to give a little more to myself. As moms we forget about our needs sometimes that serves as our reminder

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  2. Isn't it amazing what thoughts we have when we have a little bit of calm and quiet time? I love my thinking time.

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  3. I am sorry to gatecrash this blog, but just wanted as many people as possible to read this story about a 26-year-old leukaemia sufferer who is writing an online diary with one aim - to save others.
    It is so utterly moving and, as a mum , totally heartbreaking.

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  4. I think it is just an "I'm so tired" kind of a thought. That running away thought. I've told my hubby that once or twice before. "I'm running away." or "I'm going to the store, and I might not come back." kind of a thing. We both know I'm joking, but it gets across the sentiment of it being a long, tough day.
    Hope today is much better. :)

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  5. Girl . . . this is so 'common' . . . the thought has entered my mind several times too . . . Mom's are so overwhelmed these days!
    Love,
    Aunt Diane

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  6. I, too, have felt that strong urge. To just keep going down the road & not look back. It's kinda freeing to think those thoughts, even if we would *never* act on them. I'd like to think that maybe that lonely shoe was a result of someone riding care-free with their feet dangling out the window. Maybe they left the dirty dishes in the sink, the laundry unfolded, the floors unmopped & took off with a girlfriend in the direction of those purple clouds, not even caring if they came home with one less shoe :>)

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  7. My friend Cindy said this to me once, and I was worried about her for a minute, but now I get it. I am just thankful that I was able to enjoy my freedom when I had it!

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  8. I know what you mean exactly. When I'm driving to the store all alone, my mind gets to wondering and then I think how did I get here? LOL. When my mind is so faraway thinking but I'm still driving?

    It helps us moms I think to have that bit of time :)

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  9. I think we all live in our daydreams once in awhile.

    I used to love to just sit and get lost in thought. Those moments are few and far between now!

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  10. Oh I see agree with how you were feeling..sometimes it would be so nice to just keep driving!!!! OH..i often wonder about those shoes too...so I had to laugh when I read that :-)

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  11. Phew. I'm not the only one with the urge to vanish sometimes. Never a lingering thought, but often a fleeting possibility. :)

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  12. its always a thought....but leaves quickly

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  13. Oh girl I have this same feeling. Its mostly just daydreaming, but I don't feel guilty because I know I'd never do it. Birth 3 children and then leave! Heck no! LOL.

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  14. I can't tell you how many times I've thought this. I don't feel guilty about it (well, maybe sometimes I have). I wonder what it is in us that spurs on that "just to see" mentality. I think it's a blessing and a curse.

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  15. Never thought of running away just thought about the "what if" sometimes.
    Amy

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  16. I know what you mean...It is natural to want to escape. I wanted to run away for the day not too long ago.

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  17. I think everyone wonders what their life would be like if it were radically different.

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  18. I've definitely felt like that. Mostly when things are stressful, and sometimes, just because. I think it's great to imagine and think of what could be. As long as you keep it on the positive.

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  19. I think just about every mom can relate. Maybe just every person. That open road has a pretty strong call. But that family call seems to be even stronger! And, I like it that way. :)

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  20. I love to drive. And think. And wonder what if. And then come home again to the chaos that never ends, lol. I wouldn't leave it for the world, but sometimes I can't help but contemplate it for a moment.

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  21. I have this feeling occasionally. However, I believe that I am a better mom because I've mentally explored the possibility of running away and the freedom I could have and have instead consciously chosen to stay. I am where I want to be.

    I do agree with some of the others who say it means we should try and do a little more for ourselves sometimes though.

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  22. I think this is a totally normal feeling! I know my mind wanders in this direction now and again. However, what I see at the end of the road is nothing compared to where I came from- so I'd always go home. :)

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  23. I think it is the curiosity in us all that sometimes lead us to want to keep going down the road to see what is there. I, too, have often wondered how the shoes get on the side of the road. Then again all the shoes I have seen, I wouldn't go back for either!!

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  24. I've had thoughts along the same line...but I have felt guilty for them...this will encourage me not to feel guilty next time they arrive.

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  25. Oh, I feel like this sometimes. I think it is just natural. Too much to do for too many people.

    Quiet alone time is what cures me. I am glad you had a chance to do that.

    I always wonder about the shoe thing, too. How does one lose just one shoe on the road like that?

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  26. I have those thoughts sometimes too. We obviously have impulse control! Thank goodness.

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  27. Isn't it comforting to know that as a mom these thoughts of wanting something more or dreaming of freedom somewhere else are normal? I think that we need to cut ourselves some slack b/c we mom's are human and exhausted and constantly needed and we can just get totally overwhelmed at times.

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  28. Sometimes when I get home from the store or something I just kind of sit in my car for a few extra minutes it's just meditative or however you say that.

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  29. I feel so much better that someone else has these thoughts. I figured surely I was the only one. Thanks for posting this.

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  30. Yep--there's something about the peace and freedom of being in a car alone. I used to hate to do errands, but now if one of us is going to pick up takeout or get a movie from the video store, I am a quick volunteer for the job.

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  31. Funny... I saw a clog on the side of the road when I was walking with the boys the other night. It was a nice clog... and I couldn't help but wonder how someone could lose it. My oldest guy said to me, "Look mama, someone through a shoe out of a car window!" :)
    And you're pregnant... you've got 3 kids... I think we are all entitled to moments of "freedom!" Don't feel guilty...
    - Audrey

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  32. I'm so glad you shared this - now I don't feel so alone with these thoughts. I think we all have them every know and then, and I don't think it has anything to do that we'd not be happy where we are today, but a curiosity, what else is out there.

    I'm lucky that my husband has the same feelings, and we can together explore the world. I've lost count how many times we have moved the past 10 years, but there is something magical driving to the sunset to new adventures. Well, this summer we'll be driving the sun behind us, but anyway..

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  33. Funny...I was just having the shoe conversation the other day. I drive over this bridge each day and there are always random shoes there. Odd - very odd.

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  34. I just discovered your blog, I found myself reading one post after the other and really enjoying your stories. So glad I found your blog. :)

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  35. Just do it!
    At least once in a blue moon-
    Trev
    http://elliots.eachday.com

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