I think I'm still in shock, to be honest. I never thought of myself as a Mom to a girl. It makes me think about the daughter I wasn't to my own Mom. Maybe I'm making up for it now, I don't know, because I try to show my appreciation and make up for all the angsty-ness my Mom had to go through with me for much too long. This Mother's Day, this Sunday, as I celebrate knowing I have a little girl forming inside me, this post is for my Mom.
There are so many times I wanted to say thank you but my teenage pride got in the way. I remember so clearly the late nights of you driving me to play practice, long trips of me making you suffer through my moody Sarah McLachlan, REM, and Nirvana mix tapes. The long drives of me sitting in silence, brooding. Not knowing what was happening in my life and I only wonder what you must have felt, not knowing what was happening with this daughter of yours. This daughter that I know you wanted to dress in nice outfits and I only wanted to wear ratty thrift shop clothes. This little girl that scowled and rolled eyes until you were probably sure they'd fall out of her head.
I felt every bit of love you had for me. But I'm afraid you could never feel mine. It was there. Beneath the makeup and the closed bedroom door and the candles burning in my room. I really did want to hug you. To crawl in bed with you. And to wish away my uncertainties and life that was just so hard at thirteen, fifteen, any-teen. If only I had known then what I know now.
If only you had known then what I'm saying now.
I am so glad we are where we are. I am so relieved to be on this side of life. This side of the red hair dye and this side of my self image.
Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I'm going to have a daughter!
P.S. Even though I dressed like a bum, you have to admit I always had great shoes...