May 11, 2008

The Mother Of All Mother's Days

Stephanie is having a girl. I will have a daughter.

I think I'm still in shock, to be honest. I never thought of myself as a Mom to a girl. It makes me think about the daughter I wasn't to my own Mom. Maybe I'm making up for it now, I don't know, because I try to show my appreciation and make up for all the angsty-ness my Mom had to go through with me for much too long. This Mother's Day, this Sunday, as I celebrate knowing I have a little girl forming inside me, this post is for my Mom.

There are so many times I wanted to say thank you but my teenage pride got in the way. I remember so clearly the late nights of you driving me to play practice, long trips of me making you suffer through my moody Sarah McLachlan, REM, and Nirvana mix tapes. The long drives of me sitting in silence, brooding. Not knowing what was happening in my life and I only wonder what you must have felt, not knowing what was happening with this daughter of yours. This daughter that I know you wanted to dress in nice outfits and I only wanted to wear ratty thrift shop clothes. This little girl that scowled and rolled eyes until you were probably sure they'd fall out of her head.

I felt every bit of love you had for me. But I'm afraid you could never feel mine. It was there. Beneath the makeup and the closed bedroom door and the candles burning in my room. I really did want to hug you. To crawl in bed with you. And to wish away my uncertainties and life that was just so hard at thirteen, fifteen, any-teen. If only I had known then what I know now.

If only you had known then what I'm saying now.

I am so glad we are where we are. I am so relieved to be on this side of life. This side of the red hair dye and this side of my self image.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I'm going to have a daughter!

P.S. Even though I dressed like a bum, you have to admit I always had great shoes...

38 comments:

  1. Thank you. This is very touching. I'm glad I had the tissues handy....God must have erased all that angsty-ness you say you had out of my mind. I do remember those light brown cords you wore day in and day out. I almost took and burned them. You were your own person and I tried to let you be You and I guess it all paid off. I always said you had a guardian Angel with you all the time. I Loved going to all of your plays and events. I am so excited for you to be having a Daughter. I know you will be the best mom to her. I Love you, my dear daughter Steph....Happy Mother's Day, Mom

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  2. Are you me? I could have written the same thing to MY mother!
    Beautiful, Steph.

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  3. Happy Mother's Day! Very Sweet Post.
    Aisling is almost 3 weeks old and the daughter disbelief has not yet warn off. I still almost call her "him" or think of her as one of my boys. Then I have to pinch myself and remind myself that she is actually A GIRL!

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  4. Steph:
    Thanks for the morning tears . . . I needed a good cry! I'm so glad you will be able to experience the birth of a girl! What a Happy Mother's Day this is for all of us!
    Love,
    Aunt Diane

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  5. Happy Mother's Day!
    I taught high school for 30 years, and your post today brought me back to so many of my girl students... they would tell me in (often in their writing) how much they loved their Moms, from the depths of their beings... and for one reason or another could not express it. I always told them they were in the "tunnel of themselves" and would come out of the tunnel into the arms of their waiting Moms. Moms wait. They do. What a beautiful post to share with Moms of teen girls. I must say that I had a distinct advantage with Audrey and Jane because each day I saw into the minds and souls of teen girls and was very prepared for just about anything! It was like having the greatest secret ever! Guess what, Steph... so do you with your little pink one!
    Much love,
    Sharon - Pinks & Blues

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  6. I remember praying when I was pregnant with Dylan to please let it be a boy. I had two brothers, babysat mostly boys, and on top of it all knew how I was as a girl so I most definitely did not want a girl. At my ultrasound I can remember thinking what am I gonna do if they tell me it is a girl...I will probably cry and then they will think what a horrible mom I am not wanting this baby. Of course I know everything would be fine, but boy was I happy when I heard it was a boy. When I got pregnant the second time I was much more relaxed about the idea of a girl and was even welcoming the idea of having one of each. I was so excited when I heard it was a girl and just like you started buying the dresses. Now I am thrilled to have my little girl and like you worry about her being me in her teenage years (cuz she is already a mini me!). I know we'll get through though!! I'm so excited for you and your little girl.

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  7. So amazing! You are so blessed to have such an amazing mom. This post was awesome. And this girl is so lucky to have you. So lucky. And even when she's there, dying her hair, rolling her eyes and bucking the system she'll know she has a Mama who loves her more than anything just waiting there with love.

    Happy Mother's Day!

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  8. Have a wonderful mother's day :)

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  9. Oh, yes. Even now, with my daughter at only 3 1/2, I have moments when I look at OUR interractions and think, "Oh, my poor mother!" Mom, I get it now!

    What a sweet, heart-warming post for a sweet, heart-warming morning.

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  10. man...how very close to my own teen years. i will show this to my mom. it expresses so many things i would say to her! thanks for the beautiful words, and happy mother's day to a wonderful person.

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  11. So very sweet. Happy Mother's day!

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  12. Well, now...I have tears in my eyes...THE sweetest post ever, I'm sure your Momma is smiling REAL BIG about now! Happy Mother's day, and YAY YAY YAY...a girl, it's so stinking fun!!!! xoxo

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  13. Oh man, I should have prepared myself to come here and cry today. I want my mom to read this, because I could have written the same thing about my rollercoaster younger years.

    Having a mother daughter relationship is a big reason I want my own girl, and I know you will be changing and molding as you become a mother of four, and a mother of a daughter. Hang on, it's going to be incredible!

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  14. Judging from my own tears I can only imagine what your mom must have looked like reading that.

    And, with a teenage daughter of my own hiding behind that same closed bedroom door your lovely post serves as a reminder that this too shall pass.

    Oh man. The stuff we girls put our poor mothers through. My mom tells me it was worth all of the headdache and heartache. I sure admire her now for putting up with me through those unpleasant years.

    Thanks for the beautiful post today Steph. Happy Mothers Day!

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  15. I can relate. Sooooooo relate.

    Very sweet, Steph.

    Lori

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  16. Beautiful post, Steph. You and your mom have clearly put those angst years behind you and have such a wonderful relationship that is beautiful to see! Moms rock!

    HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

    Jane

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  17. I have three children, two of them daughters (almost 9 and almost 3). Already, I am getting into the tweenage years with my oldest, and it drives me batty at times! But I know there will come a point in her life when she has children that she will reflect and say, "Now I know what you went through. Now I know just how much you loved me." That one moment will make it all worth while. I had the same revelation about my mom, and now our relationship is totally different.

    Such a lovely tribute to your mom!

    Happy Mother's Day to you . . .

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  18. Of course you wanted to wear ratty thrift shop clothes. We all did!

    Happy Mother's Day!

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  19. I should have read this before I applied mascara today.

    What a great post that can be reverberated throughout the world of many teens. How fortunate that you realize the person you were then vs. now. Many never get that and I'm glad you do.

    Great post Steph!

    Happy Mothers Day to you!

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  20. Nice post. Have a happy mother's day.

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  21. thanks. happy mother's day to you!! beautiful post. and i love your baby girl's first dress..precious!

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  23. Teehee! Well, I'm sure the shoes make up for all of that. ;-)

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  24. What a beautiful, poignant letter to your Mom.

    A belated congratulations on having a girl, but most importantly that everything looks great!! Exciting times to be had in your household for certain!!

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  25. The coolest thing is that you will be blessed to know what it feels like to have a daughter - the bond between you and your mother will grow.
    Happy Mother's Day!!

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  26. what a beautiful post to your momma....boy! did it bring up some memories of my own selfish behavior towards my mother. i was a piece of work! anyway... brought tears to my eyes! hope you had a wonderful day!

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  27. Congratulations on your daughter, Stephanie! Oh my, what will you do with her! All the boys will have her spoiled rotten....but hey, what are babies for!! Hope you enjoy a different side of life. And your post was very sweet!

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  28. I bet she knew how much you loved her....just like you will when your baby acts like a typical teenager!

    Congrats on your good news!

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  29. Now I know you are not only a fantastic mother but also a wonderful daughter. Your family is blessed to have you. Thank you for sharing all your stories of motherhood with me. Your wisdom and sense of humor helps me as I have embarked on the journey of motherhood. Happy Mother's Day.

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  30. What a beautiful post... Happy Mother's Day! :)

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  31. I often feel the same way... I now look at my mom and I wonder how I could have ever been snooty, sassy, and rolling my eyes at her. I love the perspective I/we have now on the "other side." I am (still) just brimming with joy for you in having a baby girl!

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  32. What a lovely post. I found you through Melanie's blog. I too was a royal pain to my mom during my teen years. Today, I have a teen of my own. Oh my gosh does it make me appreciate my own mom even more.

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  33. Hope you had a great mother's day! Very excited that you are having a girl. Now the next time I am hopefully pregnant, can you send me a boy? :)

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  34. What a lovely tribute. Congratulations!!! A girl . . . a sweet baby girl. What a lucky little girl she will be.

    Happy Mother's Day . . .

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  35. Wow, what an awesome letter. I just love your geniousness (yes, that is a word) and sweetness.

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  36. I love that your mom listened to all those mix tapes. Clearly, she loved you!

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  37. well, Hello Twin! Exactly like me and my plum hair and white lipstick.

    Congrats on your baby girl and on your lovely new look!

    Blessings,
    Karla

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