May 28, 2008

Captured

Someday, when I have heaps of regret for not taking enough pictures or videos of my children, I hope that I will remember how I'm feeling today.

I'm willing the big brown eyes, toothy smiles, and the little bird voices to be tattooed on my soul, in my being forever. I breathe these moments like air, treasuring them so much that I don't even want to share them with anyone else. These are my moments.

I've learned that my heart doesn't discriminate the memories. It is shaped by the amazing moments in life just as much as the sorrowful. It plays tricks on me, turning the good times bittersweet when I realize they can't last just one minute longer. And the hurtful times bring joy when the weeping finally ends.

Just yesterday I had to look up Noah's story to see how long he has been seizure-free. There was a time that I was consumed with the hours, days, weeks from his last seizure. I never could have imagined years later I'd be sitting here trying to figure out how long it's been. I haven't forgotten one moment of that hardship and I don't need pictures to take me back there. I am a different person because of it, but I am not still stuck there. I could never allow that to define me. I've taken pieces of it and unlike trinkets or souvenirs, I've not set it on a shelf to reflect on once in a while. To wallow in self pity. It's no longer something I feel I can use as my crutch. Because I walk better without it.

What we went through, what we continue to go through, is very much real. Is very much life. And I've allowed it to nurture the person I've become, or really, am becoming.

The edge I stand on is never the same day to day. Where yesterday I felt like I was about to fall, and what was below seemed scary and unknown, today I see the excitement for the jump. For what lies unexpectedly ahead. With or without pictures.

27 comments:

  1. The picture you put there is beautiful as are the words you used to describe the ones you store inside. Praise God for no more seizures in your little boy!

    ReplyDelete
  2. What a journey, it is so awesome to be able to look back and be in a great place, possibily giving hope to someone at the begining of the same journey. Beautiful!

    ReplyDelete
  3. You have your incredible blog to chronicle everything... it gets crazy and busy as more children enter our lives... but you seem to have a great handle on it all!

    ReplyDelete
  4. oh I love this post. That is one reason I love blogging...because with a click of the mouse, we can go back to a particular place and time, see just how far we have come.

    ReplyDelete
  5. beautiful post! made me kinda sad that the grow up!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Savor these great moments! Lovely post. :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Beautifully put, my dear! And I agree with the others - that is why I blog. I may not have an amazing scrapbook but am telling the story of my children's lives - both good and bad - in a way that will always live on!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I love the title and your beautiful writing! An amazing journey indeed.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Awesome post! You said some things that really spoke to me.

    ReplyDelete
  10. You continue to inspire me.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm so thankful to God for those moments of clarity, for the opportunities to praise Him and also to be on our knees asking for help. This post is beautiful, a rhythmic flow of words streaming out from your heart to the screen, and to us. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  12. That was a really lovely post! How awesome for Noah too, I am so super glad you all have reached the point of having to stop and try to remember the last one!

    Oh, and your sling stash sharing with everyone convinced me a ring sling would be the greatest thing to try out, so I bid on a ring sling today on ebay! If I win it I'll let you know how I like it. Yippie!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Beautiful post! You are an inspiration.

    ReplyDelete
  14. These are my favorite kind of posts from you Steph. You have such a knack for taking the garbled mess of feelings all of us moms experience and you translate them into something beautiful, and simple.

    I'm so happy for you and Noah that you've come to this point. And I'm so glad that you share the journey here!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Gorgeous, Steph. And sometimes - you're so right - you kind of have to let go of a burden and keep walking.

    ReplyDelete
  16. What a touching post. We are made stronger by what we have experienced for sure.

    ReplyDelete
  17. You are true inspiration for where faith can lead you.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Steph:

    What a beautiful rendition of the 'past'! That sure sums it up! I miss you! I enjoyed the time that I spent with you and your family!

    Aunt Diane

    ReplyDelete
  19. What a beautifully written post. And what a beautiful soul you have. God has done wonderful things in your life, and I know He's more than pleased that you've used even the hardships to make you a better mom, woman, and Christian.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I live for posts likes these! So very heartfelt and inspiring. Thanks Steph!

    ReplyDelete
  21. I love what you said. Our journey with Jack's allergic reactions make me relate so deeply.

    On a totally different note... check out the skeleton blog where (I hope you don't mind) I tagged you for the 6 random things about yourself... I was suprised at how cathartic it was. http://functionandspace.blogspot.com/

    Hope to catch up soon!! PS. Your photo on the beach is beautiful. Jen

    ReplyDelete
  22. What a beautiful post and a beautiful picture.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Don't all parents go through that emotion? I remind myself that that's the main reason I'm blogging, though - so one day I can re-read and remember these wonderful moments - and my baby girl can see how much she's always been loved . . .

    ReplyDelete
  24. Steph,
    I love reading your posts. I happened to look back at this and remember how much it touched me. My two and a half year old has had some serious medical issues and as a parent I can't even begin to describe the emotions that I have felt, especially after being told he won't make it past the age of 3. It's been a journey unlike anything else I've every experienced. God has truly been in control and my little Michael (like Noah)is a miracle that the doctors cannot explain. We are so blessed to have been chosen to raise these special little boys. I'm so happy that Noah is doing so well. Thank you for sharing in such an uplifting way. I can't wait to be at the same point you are and look back with amazement at God's work.

    ReplyDelete

Your comment is gonna totally make my day!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...