September 13, 2007

A Good Cry

It's not even 8:30 pm yet, though I feel it is like midnight. This was a very long day. This has been a very long month. I am tired. I need a good cry.

Someone said it best at our little park playgroup the other day. We are running on fumes. There is a lot going on right now in every Mom's life that I know, and we have tremendous pressure, too many things to do in such a short day, so much to be responsible for, and top it off with very little sleep.

I need your prayers. I took Noah to the opthamologist today. He has suffered from amblyopia (eye crossing) for several years now and we decided to get a third opinion today. It seemed to be less noticeable over time, but since he's started first grade and reading, the crossing has worsened. His sweet teacher called me last week to express her concern and I immediately made another appointment.

The first doctor had him in glasses for a while and the second doctor said the glasses were no good but he just had to have surgery. On both eyes. After everything we've been through with Noah, I will tell you that I desperately want to avoid ever putting him under anesthesia again, let alone do surgery on his eyes! We decided to try patching the eye for a while and then he seemed to be doing ok until now.

Today's appointment was miserable, but the one good thing we got out of it was confirmation that he does indeed require surgery. Just definitely not by the doctor we saw today. I was practically in tears in the doctor's office, and it wasn't because he needs surgery. It's just everything feels like an overwhelming weight on top of me right now.

I am usually much stronger than this (on the outside). But right now, I need your prayers. I need that good cry.

When I look at my precious Noah, I hurt. I do not want this for him. On the one hand I am so grateful that this is the only surgery he needs. He dodged brain surgery and a life of seizures. We can surely handle a little eye surgery! There are certainly parents out there right now that would only wish this was the only problem their child was facing at this moment.

But then on the other hand, this is my child. My baby. I love him and don't want him to have to go through this right now. The Mama Cat in me rises up. He's already been through enough. Me- as his mother- has already been through enough.

But I- as his mother- am tough enough to get through this.

Arianne wrote to me tonight: ...God is bigger.
He is bigger than the horrible day you've had, bigger than the jerk doctor, and bigger than the surgery. He holds it all in His hands.

Of course I already know this. I'm a pitiful example sometimes. But I'm human. And I am soooooooo thankful God is God.

Noah is fearfully and wonderfully made. This is true. Tonight I will probably have my good cry, on my pillow, during prayer time when everyone is asleep. And then I will rest. And remember that I don't have to play strong anymore. I don't have to carry this weight. I release it right now.


75 comments:

  1. Oh Steph, my heart is breaking for poor little Noah and for you. Have that good cry - you deserve it. We are all here for you!

    Jane, Pinks & Blues

    ReplyDelete
  2. I can honestly and totally relate to what you are going through.

    Your a good Mama. Remember that.

    Have that cry. You'll feel better tomorrow.

    And if you would ever like to talk, please don't hesitate to let me know. k?

    ReplyDelete
  3. I feel for you...I will say prayers for you & Noah, and I hope that good cry helped act as a release. He is indeed fearfully and wonderfully made...and God will continue to protect and guard his sweet life. Thinking of you!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I don't believe in prayer, but I am thinking of you and wishing you the best. Get the best doctor's care (travel if you have to), and keep him happy. Have a good cry and let it all out because you do deserve it. Sometimes, its the only way to vent our frustrations.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh, I am so sorry! You've come so far with him and I know that all will be fine, but I think you do deserve to have a good long cry.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Remember that crying isn't a sign of weakness but a sign of strength and humbleness, relying on God, we can't do a miracle, we know he can and that cry is letting go of the control God needs to take care of us and we are letting go and "Letting God". Believing with you all the best!!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. My 12 year old cousin just had cataract surgery a few weeks ago. He was very scared beforehand, and it hurt for a little bit but his problem has been totally corrected. It was a tough decision for his parents, but he and his family are all so grateful that he had it done. He can see again! That is an amazing thing for a kid. I'll pray for you tonight.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh, Steph, I'm so sorry. Poor Noah....poor you! You cry all you want, and you have every right to feel the way you do. It doesn't matter if there are bigger problems out there...that doesn't make yours any less worrisome or troubling.

    We will all be here to lift you up in prayer when you feel you can't be strong enough yourself.

    (((((HUGS AND PRAYERS))))

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh, Steph, of course you're hurting. My word, I'm helping my grandchild get through a very common childhood illness right now and his poor little feverish body is just killing me.

    The very thought of anesthesia is terrifying. I've done this with both my daughters, although they were both older. But I do understand. It's scary and you just hate it. But remember, doctors today are just amazing. The medical care we have available is also amazing.

    My recommendation? Cry. If you feel like crying, then cry. What on earth is wrong with being human and I guarantee you, you will be stronger for Noah if you let some of this emotion out.

    Bless your heart.

    ReplyDelete
  10. We thought my oldest daughter Emma had lazy eye when she was 4. We were shocked to learn that she is almost completely blind in her right eye.

    I have been through my share of jerk doctors and tears, but 4 years later Emma is happy. She has a cute pair of glasses and her blindness is a non-factor.

    Although there is nothing we can do to resolve or correct the problem, we feel at peace with her "disablity."

    I remember vividly the horror and shock when we learned about her problem and that there was nothing we could do. The helplessness a parent feels in this situation is monumental. It reminds me what, in a small way, God the Father must have felt as he watched his only Begotten Son on the cross suffering for us.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I used to worry about everything...one day a friends husband stopped me at dinner and said I'm making you a LIWJ box...I said a what? He said a Leave It With Jesus box....write your worries on a piece of paper before bed and put it in the box...then sleep peacefully....God is up all night....we will worry for you.....Steph...it worked.....youa re in my prayers hon.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Steph...look at all AJ's been through and how tough he is. 2 years in an orphanage, 3 surgeries, countless allergies and food issues, glasses, etc. And look at far he has come.

    Kids are tougher than we think.

    Trust.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Just know this ONE thing; Noah is His....Period.

    Go ahead and have that cry, we all need to once in awhile and it's OK that we do. My prayers are with you. HUGS!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I pray you will feel the peace of God wrap His loving arms around you as you have your cry tonight. I believe God gave mom's & even some dad's ;) The ability to let some emotion out of our bodies through tears to help us deal with things we are going through.

    Love in Him,
    Tam

    ReplyDelete
  15. I can really sympathize. Lilla had to get special braces for her shoes this week and it about killed me. It's so simple considering what it could be, but I just hate that my baby has to go through that and probably it will be an ongoing thing through her life. I sometimes thinks it harder for us as moms than it even is for the kiddos. They are just so much a part of us.

    You are a good mom Stephanie.

    ReplyDelete
  16. ((((Stephanie and Noah)))))
    I am so sorry you are going through this. I am sorry that the weight feels so heavy on you right now.
    I hope that you do get that good cry out (as I've been told before flowers don't grow on sunshine alone, they need some rain/water to grow as well). I hope that with some rest and prayer that you can feel that weight is lifted off your shoulders and you can walk this path you are on right now.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh Steph, I hate that you're going through this. I cannot believe the extra weight one carries as a mom (and I'm not talking about my athletic thighs!) It's so overwhelming to me!

    So, you have yourself a good cry. It's so cleansing!

    And Noah will be just fine. He's a tough little dude and God is good!

    I'm praying for you guys!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Stephanie, if we were all perfect examples all the time, we'd be Jesus, but we're not. And He cried, too. Don't you ever feel bad about crying over your children, or feeling "weak". It's in our weakness that God shows His power and strength.
    I'll be lifting up you and Noah in prayer. ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  19. I will be praying for you and Noah...I am sorry the weight you are carrying feels so unbearable right now...I have been there before and I will be praying tonight for that good cry, good God time, and the release...crying out isn't being weak, it's relying on God to hear your prayers and take your burdens from you...

    You are a great mom, I can see that through the words on this blog...Lean on Him...

    ReplyDelete
  20. wow. Arianne said it perfectly. And yes of course you know that but in the moment, especially when overwhelmed it can be tough to hold in to.

    I hope you get a good long cry. Sometimes the release and clarity that brings makes all the difference if only we can find the time to let it all out.
    love you,
    Ashlee

    ReplyDelete
  21. a LIWJ box...sounds like the most amazing idea ever!

    And I absolutely LOVE the "God is up all night" phrase...I've never thought of it that way. i love it!

    Jen

    ReplyDelete
  22. I feel like I need to have a good cry for you! A mommy's heard is so full of love and tenderness and laughter and tears for their precious children, isn't it. You really can't even describe a mother's heart...you just have to be a mommy to know. I will be thinking and praying for you all!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. You are not alone.

    You are right, you don't have to play strong. Release, cry, be still.

    ::Hugs::

    ReplyDelete
  24. Know that I am praying for you!
    ~Christine

    ReplyDelete
  25. I am praying for you and your little guy!

    ReplyDelete
  26. I'm so sorry you're hurting right now. That last paragraph was beautifully written and So true. We don't have to be strong! God is God and we can lay our frustrations and anger at His feet. I haven't ever been through what you have been through but I can't imagine and I understand you not wanting your child to go through surgery... We will definitely be in prayer for you and your family. You deserve a good cry!

    ReplyDelete
  27. I hope you're feeling better today since you released it. I know how you feel. There are days that I just don't think I can go on one more minute...

    I wrote about it last week in fact...

    http://www.desperatelyseekingsanity.com/2007/09/06/work-in-progress/

    Hang in there hun! :)

    Heather

    ReplyDelete
  28. Geeze, Steph. You know how to bring a girl to tears at six in the morning!

    I can feel your concern in this post and I hope you can feel the prayers and support offered up by your readers.

    ReplyDelete
  29. funny...my blog today talks about needing a cry. psalm 30:5

    My friends twins both had that eye surgery...it went really well and was relatively painless for the boys...they now see great!!

    It is o.k to cry...it is your right as a mom :)

    ReplyDelete
  30. Like I said last night and to agree with Arianne: God IS bigger! He knows all. In all. His plans are bigger than our plans. Be encouraged today. Just think of all the lives your family will touch during this process! Be a testimony of God's love and strength!

    Go get that coffee if you need to. Cry. Scream. Punch a pillow. God understands our emotions!

    You know I know these feelings first hand (most moms do sooner or later) and I came through. You will too.

    PRAYERS PRAYERS PRAYERS! Love you!

    Lori

    ReplyDelete
  31. Of course you need to cry. And release your anxities and worries to the Lord and then do it again!

    I was reading this morning in Psalms 103:1-5. Praise the Lord O my soul; all my inmost being praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, O my sould and forget not all his benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desire with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

    God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Surgery on your child is always going to be terrifying, but I've actually known several children to have eye surgery and they've all come through it beautifully.
    And I'll keep you and Noah in my prayers, of course.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Were in the same boat with my Wonderboy. He needs eye surgery for his crossing as well. I've been putting it off to long. All us mom's get overwhelmed. Your blessed to have a wonderful community here for support. Hugs to you and yours.

    ReplyDelete
  34. I'm praying for you!!

    God is definitely BIGGER than this!

    ReplyDelete
  35. I will be praying for you!! I will pray that you find the perfect doctor to do Noah's surgery, and that he will come out better than before he went in. I will pray that you will be able to rest, and just give it over to God.

    Have a good cry! It'll do you some good! :)

    ReplyDelete
  36. Steph, I emailed you instead of leaving it all in a comment...just know that we are praying and know God will sustain you all and give you ALL you need to endure whatever lies ahead.
    Love and hugs,
    Happi

    ReplyDelete
  37. I'm sorry you're having such a hard week! It seems to be going around. :(
    My prayers are with you and especially for Noah. God WILL get you through this.

    ReplyDelete
  38. I'll be praying for you and your sweet boy. My son has had eye surgery twice. Both times he was too young to be worried about it, but I was a mess. He did beautifully, recovery only took about a day each time. We kept the house really dark for the day and he thought it was cool to wear sunglasses inside. He never complained about pain so I don't think it was an issue. The only thing he complained about was not being able to play outside (or play roughly inside) for a whole week. I'm sure Noah will do great and the surgery will probably make school a whole lot easier for him.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Prayers for you and prayers for Noah! I know God will strengthen you, you are His sweet girl! He can't leave you alone on this anymore than you can leave Noah! He is carrying you every step of the way! I am glad you had a good cry and I hope you will feel a release of this burden!

    Many blessings!

    ReplyDelete
  40. My cousin had that surgery when she was little and now she's a gorgeous high school senior... no lasting effects. I will cross my fingers that Noah has a similar experience.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Steph, I know it's so hard to see our children have to go through surgery. Keanen had two by the time he was 2yrs old. I have to tell you when they are young it's amazing how they bounce back.

    I always questioned why me, why did I have to have a child with so many problems. I finally realized it wasn't for me to question or even to understand. I became a stronger person going through everything I went through with Kean.

    God is in control and he will take care of you and Noah. He has done a wonderful job so far, Noah has come so far.

    I'll be praying for Noah that his eyes are healed.
    Amy

    ReplyDelete
  42. Oh Steph, I'm so sorry to hear this. ((hug))

    ReplyDelete
  43. Oh, Stephanie. You are wise to let it go and let God (a cliche, but it is true).

    When the time comes, let everyone know so we can pray for Noah and for you.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Oh, Stephanie. You are wise to let it go and let God (a cliche, but it is true).

    When the time comes, let everyone know so we can pray for Noah and for you.

    ReplyDelete
  45. OK Steph cry first and then take action. Get on the internet and find out every single thing you can about Noah's condition. Contact specialists, especially since you are near Chicago with lots of choices. Don't do surgery until you are confident that you believe surgery is the course of action. This is not a life threatening condition and does not require an immediate decision. Just like you did research for Doose, research this. You are strong and resourceful.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Aw, Stephanie, that made me cry. I pray it will all work out fine, and soon. Hugs,
    Ellen

    ReplyDelete
  47. Oh, Steph. I am so sorry! I want to cry for you. I just prayed and plan to a lot more of it for you and sweet little Noah.

    I know you have probably heard/read the Bible verses on worry on a million times, but I recently came across this one,and it really comforted me:

    "I will down and sleep in peace for you alone, Oh Lord, make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4:8

    It's always in those night hours that we lie awake, worrying. But it it was a comforting reminder to me that we can sleep in peace knowing who is taking care of us. And our children.

    Hope you had your good cry. And yes, GOD IS BIGGER!!!

    ReplyDelete
  48. Sorry, the verse should say:

    "I will lie down and sleep in peace for you alone, Oh Lord, make me dwell in safety."

    :o) Lisa

    ReplyDelete
  49. (((HUGS))) your in my thoughts and prayers - as is Noah!

    ReplyDelete
  50. ((((Steph)))) I know as a momma it is so tough to have a child go through medical stuff. Have you tried chiropractic? I don't know if they can do anything, but I wonder if they can. They helped my son with learning disabilities, which defies logic, but it also took away his anger issues from an immunization injury.

    I guess that I feel that if you left there in tears you may not be at peace with it. You need to be at peace and KNOW it is the right thing to do.

    Praying for you!

    ReplyDelete
  51. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Noah.

    Staci

    ReplyDelete
  52. Steph: I will have that cry with you my dear & then we can both put it in God's hands (because it is too big for us)! I love you and am praying along with you for our little Noah's eyes! Love, Aunt Diane

    ReplyDelete
  53. thanks so much for sharing, I will be praying for you and your whole family...

    ReplyDelete
  54. Thanks for sharing, and my prayer are with you!

    This post made me think of this
    "my God is so big, so strong and mighty, their is nothing my God canot do!"

    ReplyDelete
  55. I will be praying for you and Noah. God knew about this long before you did. Just remember, He's already worked it out for your good, too.

    ReplyDelete
  56. I have been trying to leave a comment all day, it doesn't let me at work...

    I'm a little late, but I hope you did have a good healthy cry. Mom's are people too, they can let that guard down and cry when times get tough.

    I agree with all the ladies,he's in the best place, God's hands. Noah has been through so much in his little life and he has had the perfect mommy and family for it!

    You all with be in my thoughts...take care over the weekend!

    ReplyDelete
  57. Oh Steph, hugs for you and Noah. We know you're strong and being able to release all of the pressure through a good cry is what helps keep you strong. It allows us to clear out all the junk so we can stay focused on what really needs our strength. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  58. BTW - there is always someone with worse problems, issues, medical conerns, whatever. It doesn't mean we can't be worried for those we love. When it comes to our own kids, anything, no matter how big or small is a direct hit to our hearts.

    ReplyDelete
  59. big, big hugs to you, mama. you and noah will be in my thoughts.

    by the way, i had eye crossing issues as a baby (and then later as an adult) myself and have had a few surgeries over the years to correct the problem. let me know if you have any questions or if there's anything i can do to help.

    amy

    ReplyDelete
  60. It sounds like you found one of those 'ass' doctors out there. I hope you find a good one soon. In the meantime, your little guy will have lots of fun pretending to be a pirate. Who else gets to dress up for Halloween as much as him? I bet his friends are envious!

    ReplyDelete
  61. I am here with you too...adding you and Noah in my prayers tonight! I know its so hard to have to deal this. We as parents NEVER want to see our babies hurt. But God is in complete control.

    big big big hugs!! {and since I'm too touchy feel-y...in person} KISSES TOO!

    ReplyDelete
  62. Steph, I can so relate to what you wrote.....the pressures and all a mom feels. I am literally crying with you. You're my sister in Christ and it breaks my heart to hear your pain. I know your heart as a mom that wants to protect and fight for your child. I can't even imagine what all you've already been through. When I was reading your post and the comments something hit me - God feels the same way about Noah as you do as the Mama Cat. Noah is his precious creation. God doesn't take any harm to him lightly and praise God, He's on your side! I'm so sorry for your heartache right now. Cry it all out and don't stop until you get your peace back.
    Much Love & Prayers,
    Tricia

    ReplyDelete
  63. Oh no.. I'm so sorry to hear this.
    Cry, Steph, cry. It really helps sometimes just to let it out. I'll be praying for you and Noah too, and sending you a ton of hugs!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  64. Wow, Steph. I'm so sorry. I'm sure after it's all over, everything will be well in your household. Hang in there...

    ReplyDelete
  65. I am so late to this party, but please know that I'm thinking of you. We all need a good cry sometimes. It can be the best release! It's so obvious that you're such a loving and caring mama to anyone tht reads your blog. Now go get yourself some ice cream. =) xo.

    ReplyDelete
  66. I'm sorry, Steph. I'm a little late in this. But I'm sorry that you're going through this right now. I'm praying for you. I'm looking forward to see how God sustains you through this. You're such a loving mom.

    ReplyDelete
  67. Oh my goodness. Sorry to hear that. But I will say a prayer for you and Noah. I know that God will carry you through this time as he has done in the past. Hugs and Blessings.

    ReplyDelete
  68. Both you and Noah are strong - I know you'll get through this ok. I'll be praying for you both.

    ReplyDelete
  69. you know you've got a whole FLOOD of prayers coming in for your little guy, you, hubbs...everybody being affected by this. You're wrapped in prayers and love.

    ReplyDelete
  70. You are well-loved and well-prayed for! It is hard for me to tell you what to do because I have never been through this, but I know God knows what you need. He knew Noah before you did! And, He will keep Noah in His hands.

    ReplyDelete
  71. I'm late to the hug-fest, but I want to tell you that your honesty and vulnerability in this post, even when you felt so shaky, really spoke volumes about your strength as a mother and as a Christian.

    I know that our Lord will navigate these unknown waters with you and Noah.

    Much love, Steph.

    ReplyDelete
  72. Crying & praying for you, hun. You are an amazing mama & God is awesomely great & faithful. We don't usually do hymns during our worship, but today we sang Great is Thy Faithfulness. I was breathless, tearful, & completely in awe. He is bigger, indeed. Let Him carry you through this.

    ReplyDelete
  73. Steph-We all need to break down every now and then. Don't feel badly about crying or feeling overwhelmed. We truly cannot do it all. All we can do is just keep trying.

    Hugs!

    Best wishes to you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  74. Huge, huge hugs. I can't truly imagine how scary it is to know he needs surgery- but you have it right- God is God. :)

    ReplyDelete
  75. A good cry makes all the difference in my life, when I am feeling like I am at the end of my rope, or as if God is throwing rocks at me. I cry almost every day, when I feel overburdened, or overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel like the most emotional woman on the planet!

    I came across this quote and wanted to share it with you:

    "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."

    Love,
    Karly

    ReplyDelete

Your comment is gonna totally make my day!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...