April 12, 2016

There's Still Time

We sold our house. Money has changed hands so I feel like I'm allowed to say those words, finally. I'm an optimist and I truly wasn't sure it was ever going to happen. That's how dire it had become. We are going to see the new house next week and maybe that will bring back the feeling in my, well, all the areas where you feel feelings. It's the only house I liked when we went house hunting over a year and a half ago. A giant house in the trees. There it sat, waiting for me. I do not know why it took this long, I do not think it was perfect timing, I do not find a lesson or blessing in it all, but none of that matters anyway. It's done. Jeff's getting the Internet hooked up next week so then it will be Officially Official.

During this time I've rallied around giving myself permission to feel sad and mad, sitting with it, actually feeling it and getting a good look at it -- and that helped, for sure. It's made me stronger and more compassionate and a better parent. So maybe that could technically count as something good coming out of all of this but I still cry no fair. But now, I'm finding myself feeling moments that don't resemble sadness and funny enough -- it's kind of scary. So a new thing I tell myself is that it's okay to be not okay and it's also okay to be happy.

Next week we are going to "camp out" at the giant tree house one night with the kids and no furniture and today that sounds like it will be a lot of fun but eventually I'll have to think about the logistics. Presently I find myself waking up at night worrying about what I'm going to do with everything in the fridge and freezer in this current house. We're here for two more months. I have reminded myself of this way too much already. There's still plenty of time to get to that.

February 16, 2016

Happy Places

The kids were describing their happy places. Ivy's happy place is SCHOOL (said in all caps) and Carter's is a world made of Legos. Gray's was "a field full of animals" and Noah's happy place is an arcade.

I asked them what they thought my happy place would be -- Gray quickly responded, "anywhere around us."

They are my oxygen. I don't know if could breathe without them.

And now, some things that I am sending off into the universe where I hope they land on the doorsteps of the people for whom they are meant.

I can't talk right now, because I might cry and you won't be able to understand what I'm saying. Also, I just don't have the energy to bring myself to pick up the phone/to write the email/to send the message. It's not you, it's totally me, although maybe you're going through it yourself, too, and so we both are in deep and should let each other off the hook. I hope you understand. I'm in a weird place right now, it's not a good time. I'm hoping it will pass, and when it does, I hope you're still around and won't hold it against me. I wish I could function as a person in your life. To even try to hold a conversation is too heavy for me right now. There are too many questions with hard answers asking more questions. I wish I could be and do more, but I am literally doing the minimum to get through the next hour to the next day to put another foot in front of the other to hopefully, eventually, find that I made it to the other side.

January 7, 2016

Closing Time

The house is getting listed again. We were on a break for a bit but it's time. New year, new plan. It's gotta work. Otherwise I'm more convinced this town has a powerful force that refuses to let us leave. Which could possibly be more truth than science fiction.

We all seem to have more oomph in our step and are powering through closets and under beds with motivation. The kids decided to "organize" their closets so now Gray is trying to convince me that his two sizes too small fleece hoodie fits just fine, all zipped up and squashing his head. And of course organizing to them is pulling absolutely everything out of the closet and onto the floor and leaving it there while they play with long forgotten Nerf guns and old Halloween masks.

I think this time it's going to work, I dare hope the house sells quickly. We still don't really know where we'll go from here - a rental? Something that fits us all and is in the school district I want? We're a little sore about buying another house, but who knows what's next. Blind or open-eyed, I don't think it matters in the end.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...